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Billy Connolly Quotes

Scottish - Comedian | November 24, 1942 -

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Back Fame Autograph Being Sign Your

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage Bicycle Repair Invention

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Alone Trust Man Tea Try Never

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

Time People Speak You Hide Dark

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Funny Thinking Someone Intellectual

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Funny Red Army Go See Switzerland

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Great Look Same Attack Great Thing

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Learn Go Know Why Never Algebra

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

Life Live Car Day People Me

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Winter Seasons Two June Scotland

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

People Door Done Independent Okay

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Pet Parents Me Zoo Tell Take

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