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Tim Vine Quotes

British - Comedian | March 4, 1967 -

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Me You Gym Said Teach Flexible

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Writing You Important Childlike Get

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Me Thought Back Down Go Said

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Funny Childhood Effort People Me

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

History Book Reading Down Glue Put

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

You Know Now Out Candles Trick

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Family Brother People World Think

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Red Me Restaurant Duck Up Chinese

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

You Holiday Never Tell Been Just

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Sea Day Past Meat Other Bit

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Love Myself Small Doing Trying You

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

Soul You House Wall Pictures Kind

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