American - Comedian | January 27, 1969 -
It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
Patton Oswalt
BadCountryNowRunRightBeing
This sounds like a brag, but I know how to make good fried rice. I learned in college. There are two secrets - take the rice after you cook it and let it get cold in the fridge. Then cook the egg like you're making a fried egg and just before it's done, dump the rice and veg on it and swirl it around.
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Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am.
CreativeI AmPeopleSometimesWood
There's all kinds of those moments in your life where either through a weird set of circumstances, or a song you hear, or a smell you smell, or one person says something totally out of the context without the meaning that you assigned to it, but you snap back to the way you were when you were 14 or 15. We all deal with that.
LifeSongWeirdMeaningMomentsYou
Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck.
LiveExperienceWorldStoryYou
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
GoldYouHeadStickHitHe
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
EvilStupidDifferenceBetweenHe
I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.
YouDrinkMuch
90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.
GoodMusicArtFocusDancePainting
I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form.
TimeArtMyselfBeginningMeThink
I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.
DeathBadEarlyLateMeanOut
Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.
FunnyHateEarlyYearsNinetiesFew
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