American - Entertainer | November 28, 1962 -
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
Jon Stewart
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You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
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If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
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Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
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A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
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Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
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I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
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We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
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If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
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