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John Hodgman Quotes

American - Comedian | June 3, 1971 -

First of all, I wish I could grow a beard.

Beard Grow Wish I Wish First Could

Most people presume my mustache is not real because it's much darker than my regular hair.

People Hair Mustache Real Because

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum! That's an amusing relic of our past.

Past Museum Would Our Amusing Relic

When you think about it, the end of the world is a little bit like death: We all know it's going to come eventually, and as we get older, we feel we see the signs more and more distinctly.

Death World Think End Feel You

I am amused by cricket because it seems to take longer than baseball and I like that. It seems like a sport I could have made up it - it takes several days to play and everyone wears sweaters. I can't confess to knowing what's going on at all.

Baseball I Am Cricket Play Knowing

Any time you try to create an Internet meme, automatic fail. That's like the worst thing you can do.

Time Internet You Create Worst Meme

I know electric knives are excellent for carving turkeys that have had their bones removed and been forced into a mold to shape them. Please note that those turkeys are called hams.

Know Shape Bones Carving Been Mold

As a freelance writer, I'd be asked to become an expert for various magazines on any subject, whether food or wine or history or the life span of veterinarians. I was completely unschooled in any of these things.

Life History Food Wine Become

My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not.

Humor Caring People Me Talking Know

I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author.

I Am Book Copy My Own Own Dedicated

I think that obviously, there is a perverse attraction to a fundamentally changed world or the end of the world. There is a death wish, a perverse death wish. Not just for ourselves, not just for the movie 'Death Wish,' but for the end of all human life.

Life Death World Think End Wish

Here's the thing: I am not only a creature of civilization, I'm an asthmatic person. I will only live so long as I have stockpiled the proper inhalers. I'm effectively a cyborg. You know how in Jurassic Park, they bred those dinosaurs with the lysine deficiencies, so if they ever got off the island, they'd die? That's me.

Live I Am Me Die Long You

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