American - Comedian | August 18, 1952 -
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler
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When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
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I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
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To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
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You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
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Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
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A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
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I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
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I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
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Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
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When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
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