American - Author | 1960 -
I think I'm good at training dogs, but none of my dogs agree with me on that.
W. Bruce Cameron
GoodTrainingMeThinkDogsAgree
My mother taught me to drive using the 'Detroit Method,' where speed limits and traffic lights are taken as cute suggestions.
MotherCuteMeDriveLimitsSpeed
As to which is cuter, a puppy or a baby, I'm going to say that probably depends less on the particular puppy and more on the baby. I've seen pictures of me as an infant and consider myself lucky that nobody ever offered my parents the opportunity to trade me for a beagle.
OpportunityMyselfParentsMeBaby
In my opinion, it has never been proven that food even has calories. When I bite into a hamburger, I see pickle and ketchup and bun and meat, but if there's a calorie in there, it must be hidden.
FoodOpinionHiddenNeverMeatSee
I've read that an average dog possesses a vocabulary of 200-300 words, which is enough for him to have his own Twitter account.
DogWordsEnoughHimVocabularyOwn
Your neighbors will be envious of your 3D printer - and if they're not, just print new neighbors. Design them so they'll like to bring you pies, maybe, or want to do your yard work for you.
WorkDesignYouNewWantWill
I think, of all the holidays we celebrate, my least favorite is Earth Day. For one thing, I never know what sort of gift is appropriate. A jar of dirt, maybe? And it's not clear to me why Earth even needs a 'day,' since a spin on its axis creates a day. That's like giving a man who owns a shoe store a gift of a pair of shoes.
ShoesDayManMeCelebrateGift
I know it sounds strange, but I'm one of those people who goes to a coffee shop to drink coffee.
CoffeePeopleKnowStrangeDrink
For me, the most indispensable tool for wrapping presents is a wife.
WifeMeToolIndispensableMost
You'd think skiing wouldn't be strenuous - all you have to do, after all, is start at the top and let gravity pull you to the dessert bar in the lodge. But at those elevations, you'll find about as much oxygen as you'll find kindness from your children. It's like spending six hours holding your breath.
KindnessChildrenSkiingStartThink
I see dog stories as an antidote to the dire news that nothing is ever going to get better.
DogBetterNewsNothingSeeI See
My body believes a famine is imminent and has begun stocking up on provisions. These supplies are being stored around my waistline. I've tried explaining to my stomach that this is entirely unnecessary: I've never once, not even when I was in college and more broke than the E.U., done any actual starving.
CollegeBodyDoneMoreNeverUp
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