British - Comedian | -
I want truth. I'm crying out to hear it. I need it like oxygen.
Matt Roper
TruthWantNeedOutLikeOxygen
We must remember to enjoy ourselves.
RememberEnjoyMustOurselves
I've spent so much of my adult life in relationships that it's actually quite pleasant to be alone at last. I turned thirty-six the other day, which staggers me when I think about it.
LifeAloneDayMeThinkAdult
I like a decent funeral, and God knows in my family we've seen enough of them. Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.'
FamilyGodLookingArmyEnoughNow
I can't abide small talk.
SmallTalkSmall TalkAbide
I'm the worst ad anyone could possibly be for abstaining from anything.
WorstAnythingCouldAnyoneAd
Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.' My relatives seem to drop like flies around me. Who's next? Will it be someone I can't stand?
FamilyMeLookingStandSomeoneNow
I'm a Taurus, you know. A bull. I belong in a field.
YouKnowBullBelongField
I once knew a girl who didn't know where anywhere was in the world. Not a clue. I asked her if she knew where Africa was and she answered, 'Is it the orange one on a map?'
GirlWorldKnowOrangeAfricaMap
Seven thirty in the morning is too early for a man of my standing.
MorningManEarlyThirtyStanding
Milk which is just about to turn is akin to that moment spent on the cusp of failure in a dulled and fettered relationship.
FailureRelationshipMomentMilk
I have two vintage typewriters. One just about works and the other hasn't a hope in hell, bless it. But they're both beautiful, and they'll stay with me just as long as there's a roof over my head.
HopeBeautifulMeVintageHellLong
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