American - Comedian | August 30, 1948 -
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
Lewis Black
MeFoxWatchBecauseGetSome
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
LifeSadStoryMy LifeToo MuchBig
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.
LifeLiveAloneTimePeopleMy Life
Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
MePersonWhoCreatedIntuitive
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
LifeThinkYouAppleWonderReason
It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.
PeopleIdiotYouDistanceNowWant
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
LifeMotherParentsCollegeRest
If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.
WomenWomanMeYouMakeCompare
I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.
BirthdayNeverBigGuyBeen
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
FearHealthCareBeliefWayBeyond
Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.
MePressureBackGoBloodAsking
I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.
DayStressMeHelpTryingNothing
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